Unclenching the Fists of Motherhood: Letting Go of Control to Find Connection

Do you struggle with wanting to control every aspect of your life? Or am I the only one? I read somewhere that people who grasp to control everything in their lives, likely grew up in chaotic environments and this is their way of coping as adults. If I can predict most every outcome, then I will feel safe.

True, life feels safer when we “control” things, however what an illusion, we actually do not have control over much of anything. I do believe there are things and practices we can put into place to have in times of the unforeseen, but isn’t that entirely the point. There is always going to be unforeseen, because we are not in control.

I find in my own journey of motherhood the awakening of realizing that control is just an illusion. Kids will teach you things you don’t even realize you need to be taught. That’s the beauty of motherhood. Everytime I try to grip tighter and have things my way, the push and pull dynamic starts. I am by no means saying do whatever your kid wants and let them run the show, I do believe in boundaries and discipline.

However, I’m talking the silly things, like when my daughter is throwing food off the high chair and I am letting it trigger me. Shes 18 months old, throwing food off the high chair is completely normal behavior. Whenever I dig in and let the trigger get to me I almost try to discipline her in those moments, how silly, how ridiculous, she doesn’t even understand what I am mad about. All she knows in her tiny head is that I am upset, probably raising my voice if not borderline yelling, and she’s afraid. No one learns anything in fear except to be afraid.

Why does the food even trigger me?

Well probably because it’s yet another area of my life that I don’t have control over. If I could just control the food throwing then I would not have to clean the floor 6,000 times a day or wipe the walls that are not food stained with spaghetti sauce. But what is that even getting me? Does food stained walls say something about the type of mother I am, that I can’t even control my child?

I find in moment like these, the harder I tighten my grip and whiteknuckle my way through these moments, the more the chaos runs rampant. Almost as a way for the universe to remind me that, the harder you try to control everything the more your world will spin out of control in a reminder that, it is all just an illusion. Lean into the fact that you’re not supposed to control everything and that is where you will find the joy in motherhood. Those moments when I let go and just observe from an outsider’s perspective instead of letting things trigger me and taking them personal is when I see the beauty of a messy home with a healthy, vibrant child in it. What a gift children are, teaching us lessons we didn’t even know we needed.