The family I never knew I wanted, but God knew I needed, Part One

Before I can take you to present day, I feel like we have to go back to how I got here. I grew up, like most, in a dysfunctional family. My mother was the peacekeeper and I watched my father struggle his whole life with mental illness. Depression, anxiety and type 2 bipolar disorder. We grew up affluent, I definitely did not have a lack of things. Gifts I’m pretty sure were my dads love language, or maybe just his attempt at showing love.

Unfortunately I think that is a lot of our stories, not having a positive picture of what family could look like, I decided early on in my teenage years that I wasn’t going to have children. I went on to get married at 18 and ultimately divorced 7 years in, as my husband wanted children. He was meant to be a father, and pretty clear from the beginning of our relationship that he wanted to have a family. We were young and I assumed that either his love for me would grow to not care if we had them or not, or I would end up changing my mind with age. We had our own struggles and ultimately went our separate ways. A relationship I am so grateful for, it was the first time in my life I felt safe.

With the end of that relationship I was inevitably back out on the dating scene and this time around I was going to be very clear on what I wanted and was looking for, but where on earth was I going to find someone? I am now 24 and working in a predominately female industry. I would go out with my friends to the bars but with the invention of online dating, it seemed as though the male population did not approach women anymore. The fear of rejection was too great. Why approach someone to get shot down, when you can just swipe left and deal with the rejection in private? I found myself using dating apps to meet people, I had my fair share of, not so Romeos. Some real losers to be honest, but those relationships showed me that I had a lot of childhood wounds to heal and self love to grow. In hindsight I can’t believe I put up with those men, but hindsight is 20/20 afterall.

Bumble didn’t completely fail me though, in the summer of 2019 I met who I thought was going to take me off the market forever, I went as far as buying a house in between our jobs so we could move in together. A true hopeless romantic right? WRONG! Two years in that relationship came to an end, a gut wrenching, heartbreaking end. How could I have gotten it so wrong? Sometimes I think when relationships that we thought were going to be ,”the one” or a fairytale ending, fall apart we end up grieving more of the fact that we can’t trust our own judgement, than the relationships itself. Because let’s be honest, it usually takes months of knowing the relationship isn’t going to last before the actual breakup happens. But, here’s where the story gets good, here is where all of the stumbling and heartache comes together for good. Here is where I see God’s plan all along.

Have you ever felt like you have everything society tells you is success, but you feel a giant hole inside, like something is missing?

That is where I found myself August of 2021, I owned a house, a successful six figure business, I made my own schedule, I was traveling, I had friends and more pets than a girl probably should. I was young, healthy and attractive, but I was SAD. I remember feeling like I was living someone else’s dream. I wanted something different. There was an emptiness that I felt like I didn’t have purpose. I remember sobbing in my bedroom and getting down on my knees praying to God that I was tired, I felt alone, empty and that I was tired of being the author of my life. That I wanted His plan, His way. I wanted to let go and let God, to put it in an instagram headline.

Stay tuned for part 2 of this story…